Thinking Ahead

I rarely have time to myself. Gary picked up a shift today so that we could have the weekend off, so that meant house to myself. As much as I loved having time to do something for myself, with no one to talk to, my mind raced. And it didn't help that Isabella was deciding to do backflips and make me think about her all day.

I'm starting to realize just how much our life is going to change. As much as we're prepared, I know that we can only prepare so much. And our little one is coming just before the holidays, so everything is going to be crazy as it is. Now we have to refigure out our holiday plans. There's no way I'm taking a newborn on our crazy holiday adventures. When Thanksgiving comes, the most she will be is 2 weeks.  I don't even know if I'll be completely recovered by then, and if I'll be up for travel at all. And then we have Christmas. It's always exhausting as is. Christmas Eve we travel to CT, come home, sleep for a couple hours, and then get up and travel to my parents. We do 10 hours of driving (without traffic) in 2 days plus try to spend and enjoy time with our families. I don't know how we're going to pull it off this year, or any other year from now on. Neither of us want to let anyone down, but it just might have to happen. We also don't want to disappoint ourselves by not being able to be with our families. That's what the holidays are all about, but because we live so far from either family, and they live so much further from each other, it's always hard and exhausting to manage. Add a newborn into the mix and there's a lot more exhaustion.

Then there's the issue of going back to work. I'm taking 3 months off, how will I adjust to going back after that? And not only that, I'll be spending all my time with my little girl, how will I adjust to being away from her? And not only that, how are we going to afford for me to work part time, and pay for daycare? We're just getting by now, and we're both working full time and not paying for a child. And now we have to consider not seeing each other so that we can split up watching Isabella and only pay for parttime daycare. And then we have to find a daycare. We need one close by and even that is a struggle.

A few things that are coming first - I feel like I'm disappointing myself, and others. We have cancelled all travel plans, except for weddings and showers before Isabella gets here. This means no time with family, which I would really love. But I know that working full time is really taking a lot out of me and I can not physically do it. I'm already pushing myself too far and had to take this weekend to recoup. We're such "go, go, go" people that we always go somewhere on the weekends and I just felt so drained. My body was rebelling against me and I had to cancel the trip to my sister in laws baby shower. My feet and hands were so swollen. I was having trouble walking. It's so frustrating because I just want to do things and have fun, and I can't.

But on a good note, not going anywhere gives Gary and I more time to spend together and just be happy and excited for our little girl to get here. There's still a lot to do to get ready. Lots of laundry to get to. Cleaning out the nursery, still a little bit in there. Reorganizing pretty much the entire apartment to make room for baby things. I am beyond happy that I did the nursery early. I don't know how I'd fit it all in now. But it's completely done, all the furniture is in there and in it's place (minus the rocking chair my parents are getting me). The decorations are up. The dresser is starting to fill up. Now it's just waiting for the baby showers to load up the toys and other gear. I already cleaned out the linen closet so there's an entire shelf empty and ready to be loaded with all of her sheets and towels and such.